things that make me go "hmmm..."

.

for one, the fact that i seem to have an affinity for using songs as blog titles ; )

but seriously ... in one of those currently very rare moments when my mind is not busy plotting my exit i had this somewhat startling realization the other day. i have been dreaming of this off-the-grid-back-to-nature-self-sustainable-life for the longest time now. i saw myself in a self-built small house, some where in the country, with solar panels and wind turbines, with a large organic garden, me in dirty jeans and birkenstocks chasing after my child. that was my utopia. realistically though and in the absence of the financial means to bring this dream to life i saw myself settling into some rural laid back hippie commune. going back to the land, living in harmony with mother earth, working the land and growing my own food. that was my thing ...

but now my only focus is on getting out of here, on moving to the biggest city in all of germany and disappearing amidst the mass of strangers there. the only commonality being that i am shrugging off my current life like a scratchy and wet winter coat. first i thought i must be in the middle of some mental breakdown, obviously triggered by my meeting with my devastatingly handsome englishman. riding a slightly less dramatic train of thought i accused myself of definitely back-tracking, taking the path of least resistance, selling out and abandoning my ideals by falling back into the mainstream life i have been so busy condemning for years now.

but I realize now that this is just a continuation of my journey, that i am just evolving ... not forcing my life down a certain path because i wanted something else just a few months ago. staying here would be forcing it right now; continuing to live on auto-pilot, getting up, going to work, coming home, distracting my ever-questioning, over-analyzing mind with countless hours of tv watching, numbing my wanderlust and home-sickness with yet another bottle of wine would be forcing it right now; denying myself to be free would be forcing it right now.

going back home, taking the time at the mid point of my life to figure out how i want to spend he rest of it that is just me ... evolving.

.