12:35pm, 08/02/2008

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i have a one-way ticket home! it's getting serious ...

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countdown to one-woman-exodus (o.w.e.)

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7 weeks to go, or 45 days to be exact.

i wandered around my three bedroom house yesterday and was overwhelmed at the task before me. three things that immediatly came to mind were:

1. why does one person live alone in a three bedroom house?

2. how did i manage to fill up each of these three bedrooms (not to mention the kitchen, breakfast nook, laundry room, dinning room, living room, attic and garage) with stuff?

3. how the hell am i going to pack up all that stuff in such little time?

the fact that i found it necessary to accumulate this much shit speaks of some really deep issues that i'd much rather not look at at this point, but that definitely need to be addressed during my hiatus. also interesting would be how i manged to ignore this "big pink elephant" in my life for so long?

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DailyOm

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a very valuable lesson conveniently delivered to my inbox today ... funny how these things always mysteriously arr ice at just the right item.

We often come into contact with the idea that our best isn’t good enough, as if this were actually possible. If you examine this notion, you will begin to see that it doesn’t make much sense. Your best is always good enough, because it comes from you, and you are always good enough. You may not be able to deliver someone else’s idea of the best (or what's best for you), but the good news is that’s not your burden. You only need to fulfill your own potential, and as long as you remain true to your calling, and always do your best to fulfill your purpose, you don’t need to expect anything more from yourself.

check out www.dailyom.com for more words of wisdom.

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things that make me go "hmmm..."

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for one, the fact that i seem to have an affinity for using songs as blog titles ; )

but seriously ... in one of those currently very rare moments when my mind is not busy plotting my exit i had this somewhat startling realization the other day. i have been dreaming of this off-the-grid-back-to-nature-self-sustainable-life for the longest time now. i saw myself in a self-built small house, some where in the country, with solar panels and wind turbines, with a large organic garden, me in dirty jeans and birkenstocks chasing after my child. that was my utopia. realistically though and in the absence of the financial means to bring this dream to life i saw myself settling into some rural laid back hippie commune. going back to the land, living in harmony with mother earth, working the land and growing my own food. that was my thing ...

but now my only focus is on getting out of here, on moving to the biggest city in all of germany and disappearing amidst the mass of strangers there. the only commonality being that i am shrugging off my current life like a scratchy and wet winter coat. first i thought i must be in the middle of some mental breakdown, obviously triggered by my meeting with my devastatingly handsome englishman. riding a slightly less dramatic train of thought i accused myself of definitely back-tracking, taking the path of least resistance, selling out and abandoning my ideals by falling back into the mainstream life i have been so busy condemning for years now.

but I realize now that this is just a continuation of my journey, that i am just evolving ... not forcing my life down a certain path because i wanted something else just a few months ago. staying here would be forcing it right now; continuing to live on auto-pilot, getting up, going to work, coming home, distracting my ever-questioning, over-analyzing mind with countless hours of tv watching, numbing my wanderlust and home-sickness with yet another bottle of wine would be forcing it right now; denying myself to be free would be forcing it right now.

going back home, taking the time at the mid point of my life to figure out how i want to spend he rest of it that is just me ... evolving.

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p.s. to things that make me go "hmmm..."

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note to self: i am not abandoning all of my ideals i am simply "relocating" them. there is sustainably grown organic food in berlin, in frankfurt and even ravensburg. my green life follows me where ever i go.


what i am abandoning for now is the dream of a curly haired baby. i feel utterly unequipped to handle that kind of a responsibility at the present moment, nor am i confident that i will anytime soon (do i dare say ... ever!?). so i will leave the procreating to others and revisit the issue in another lifetime.

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it's official ...

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... i'm leaving "las vegas"!

just as for sheryl crow the lights are too bright for me around here. i am yearning for a simpler life, a much slower pace, a fresh perspective and so i am going back to the "old world". i am dedicating this summer, autumn and winter to aimless wandering, fearless soul searching and the courageous pursuit of happiness (aka r.c.).

this blog will be a bright red thread of sorts, a way to keep up with my where-abouts, mentally as well as physically, as i trott across europe.

as most people who dare to follow their bliss, i am encountering quite a bit of resistance and discouragement here & there. and while i appreciate every one's concern and advice i am currently guided only by aerosmith's wise adage "life is a journey, not a destination".

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